Trusting the Lord

My testimony of trust…

Shame made me feel empty inside.  Addiction seemed to fill the emptiness.  If I could drink, eat, have sex, or workout hard enough, then I thought I might escape myself, but it didn’t work. Shame cries to be healed.  My wounds go back to childhood. Emptiness cries out for love.  I’ve been empty for a long time.

Only God can provide the unconditional love I need to fill the emptiness deep inside of me and to heal me completely.  Trust is not easy for me.  It has taken me a long time to trust God.  I do trust Him now.  Choosing to trust the Lord in these tough times increases my faith far more than if He made my way smooth for me.  My testimony is rooted in the Savior by trusting Him and by accepting the will of Heavenly Father.  (See John 14:27; Isaiah 40:1)

     “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.  He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour our peace.” - Ezra Taft Benson

Grace & Peace

Happy Birthday Princesses!

My continuous hope is that all is wonderful for both of you. I am so proud of each of you. A double major…WOW! Award-winning artist…WOW! Keep it up, ladies. Always strive in singleness of your hearts, as unto Christ, not with intent to please those who are watching, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from your hearts. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people (see EPH 6:5-7). By this you will "lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven....For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (MATT 6:20-21). May your heavenly treasures be exceedingly abundant. I love you two sooooo much.

I pray that Heavenly Father would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened by His Spirit; that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what are the dimensions, and to know with absolute certainty, the love of Christ, which surpasses all worldly knowledge; and that you both might be filled with all fullness of God. Our Lord Jesus Christ is able to do far beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (see EPH 3:14-21)

All My Love, 

Dad

When I Was 15

On December 10^th of my Sophomore year at Hayward High, I turned 15.  I missed all of the football season with that ankle injury skateboarding in the Safeway parking lot on Foothill Blvd.  Coach Clark recommended that I pick up a Spring season spot to get me ready for the next year.  I think he thought I would do shot-put or something on the track team.  All my buddies (Aaron, Aaron, Darin, David & Ben) all signed up for the Badminton team.  I’m not sure who found out first, but one of them got word that the team needed men because it was full of women.  So, yes, I made the decision to sign-up just to be on a team surrounded by women in shorts.  I had never even kissed a girl yet, I just wanted to increase my chances.

About 4 weeks into the season, I got my wish and my first awkward, embarrassing kiss.  She was sweet and lived one bus stop past my stop.  I’d get up earlier in the morning (a huge feat of discipline and self-control for a teenager) just so I could walk to her stop so we could ride the bus together one stop longer.  I’d do the same after practice.  We were two people with the whole world open to us.  Our relationship was based on nothing except hanging out and kissing.  Her friends convinced her to dump me (she told me) because I was occupying so much of her time (my assumption).  It did not crush me, I was ready to move on and find another girl to kiss.

At this point, I had completely fallen away from church.  My mom stopped trying to get me to go with her on Sunday.  She always went faithfully.  I slept in.  My special Bible (1^st Communion present) sat collecting dust on my bookshelf – unread. I lost my way.  I had skateboarding, girls, and a new football season coming up, what did I need God and guilt for?  I didn’t give God another thought.

That summer halfway through 2-a-days for the next football season, a senior introduced me to a girl from another school.  Shortly afterward we violated the law of chastity.  We became one flesh and that bond is so strong.  Our relationship was based on nothing but fleshly lust and neither of us minded.  It became a steep slippery slope of debauchery.  At ne point, I brought up the topic of marriage, but she talked me out of it saying that my mom would never approve of a girl like her.  I believed her.  My “first” haunts my soul to this day.  It’s like frosting too sweet on a moldy cake.  It’ is so enticing, but leaves nothing but regret afterward.

I think she would still talk to me if I knew how to contact her.  I don’t know what I’d tell her – we never should have?  I’d tell her about my transformation and the new direction I’m moving.  I’m not perfect (no one is), but I know the path to righteousness.  I’ve got many, many miles to go ( and to back track over  repenting & paying restitution).  My life may not be long enough to fully reconcile with those I’ve hurt.  Regardless, I’ve got to try.  Even with her.

That fall I played Varsity – Left Guard. I loved to pull and crush linebackers who dared to tackle my tailback. The Farmers went undefeated for the first time in a long while.  Coach Clark told me he was surprised by me since this was the first season I played.  I attributed my success to Badminton!  All that “short work”, with footwork on the tiny court in that fast game that requires you to read & anticipate your opponent’s moves, translated into me being raster within 5 yards than anyone big.  And if you weren’t big, then I could put one paw on you and make a giant hole for the back to run.  Winning feels great.

I wish I would have given God the credit for all those wins.  None of the guys on the team showed faith.  They were like me – success trumps the need for help.  It as pride and pride lasts a while until the fall.  This year burned “ends justify means” into my mental preferences.  It would only get worse in years to come. 

When I was 15, I was in love, but lost and full of pride.  A Christian walk and success are not mutually exclusive, one can succeed in this life as well as the next.  All we have to do is follow God’s Word and give Him the credit. When we thank him, we humble ourselves.  If we do not humble ourselves, then we are subject to be humbled by Him (see Alma 32:16) the humble are blessed.

God bless you, Buddy.  I hope you have a Happy Birthday.  I love you, always.

Love, Dad